Family Matters (3)

I had the fortunate opportunity to spend time with my friends and family as well as getting my case studies done during the break. I spent a day with one of my best friends from back home, “S”, who is from India and practices Indian traditions and I was able to talk to him, his parents, and their family friend, “A”, about the way family plays a role in marriages.

            While hanging out with “S” at his parents’ postal business, I asked him about his parents’ marriage. He said, “My parents got an arranged marriage. My grandparents arranged for them to get married when they felt my mom was old enough to get married. In my opinion, I think they’re marriage is healthier than American marriages. They argue sometimes, but, you know, not all relationships are perfect. They’ll never get a divorce, though. They’re very serious about that”. After asking “S” if he’ll also get an arranged marriage, he said, “No. I really don’t want one. I mean I know it’s in my culture and all, but to me, it just doesn’t seem right to pick some random girl for me to marry. They don’t know my taste in women and what if they pick someone who doesn’t have a good sense of humor! You know me; I can’t stand when people don’t know how to take a joke”.

            My friend’s opinion was totally different from what his parents had to say about arranged marriages. When asking his mom about their arranged marriage she said, “I would not have wanted it any other way. My husband is perfect and I know if I would’ve had to choose my own husband or dated other men first, I probably wouldn’t have picked someone who was right for me or treat me right. I love him, he’s my husband, and we have two kids that we love so much. I just hope they find someone who will treat them right, too”. “S” smiled at his mom and then smiled at me. His mom patted him on the head and said, “’S’ isn’t going to get an arranged marriage. He’s too much of an American. He doesn’t understand”. I’m glad “S” and his parents were so willing to talk to me. His mom seemed almost excited when I asked her about her marriage.  

            A little while later, a friend of the family, “A”, came into the post office to drop off a couple of things to “S”’s father. He greeted the family and I and stayed to chat with “S”’s mother. I asked “S” if “A” was going to get an arranged marriage and he said he was already married and that it was, in fact, arranged. I was a little nervous to ask “A” about his marriage because I had just met him, but he seemed really friendly so I asked him what he thought about arranged marriages. He chuckled and said, “They’re fine as long as your wife respects you. My parents and my wife’s parents arranged for us to get married. It’s not a big deal, it’s just something my family does”. He said that he and his wife had never met until their wedding day and I laughed when he told me that the first thought he had when he saw her was “Damn, I’m glad she’s beautiful”. He said they didn’t love each other at first, but they fell in love and have an amazing son together. He also said that now that he has his own son and lives in the U.S., he’s going to let his son choose who he wants to marry as long as he doesn’t get a divorce. That’s one thing he said he’s really against. I was really amazed at how they strongly disagreed with divorce. It seems like people in the U.S. have divorces way more frequently than people in the Indian culture.

            During the break, I was also able to spend some time in Mexico with my sister and my father, as we were going to attend my cousin, “J”’s wedding. I had taken a notebook and a pen with me, just in case I wanted to interview someone about marriages. The ceremony was held in a rather large Catholic church in Mexicali and the wedding festival was at my Uncle’s ranch, not too far from the church. During the wedding, I saw them perform the tradition of the “lasso”, in which a padrino loops what looks like a giant rosary around the couple. They also performed the tradition of the “arras”, which my father told me were thirteen coins that my cousin’s husband puts in her hands after they are blessed by the priest. There were many people standing around the couple during the ceremony and they all held different things for the wedding and my father told me that they were each padrinos who helped pitch in to pay for the wedding. Most of them I assumed were family of the groom because I didn’t recognize that many of them being my family.

            When the ceremony was over, we went to my Uncle’s ranch which was beautifully decorated with streamers, flowers and two giant tents that housed the Mariachi band and the food. I stayed by my father’s side for most of the party because my Spanish is not as good as it should be and my father was my translator. I met two middle aged women at the festival and we talked about the bride and groom and they asked about my life and I told them that I was going to college in the United States. They asked when I was going to get married and I told them I didn’t have any plans on it in the near future. They seemed a little shocked and I could tell they had traditional Mexican values. Since I had my notebook with me, I asked if I could ask a few questions for a school project about the way family plays a role in marriages. They were more than happy to give me some insight on their values. One of the women, “M”, said (in Spanish, but my father helped me translate into English), “Marriage is part of a strong family structure. We take it seriously, not like Americans that marry four or five times”. The other woman, “T”, agreed with “M” and said (translated to English), “When I was young I couldn’t bring anyone home that my parents didn’t like. If I introduced my father to a man who wasn’t respectful or that my father didn’t trust, he would not talk to me for almost a month. I didn’t like that. I made sure to only talk to men that I knew my parents would approve of. I’m lucky my father liked my husband because I love him very much. I didn’t want to live without him”.

            After talking with “T” and “M” for a few minutes more, my father wanted me to spend some time with my grandma because I had only talked to her about twice in my whole life. My grandma is in her late 80’s and I didn’t know what to talk to her about since I didn’t know her too well. Luckily for me, she ended up being my most helpful informant. I knew she was raised in Zacatecas, Mexico and I know her parents were very strict as well. She was very happy to help me with my research and although most of her information came from what she had experienced 70 years ago, I was happy that she had foundational Mexican stories. She said you need to marry someone who is from the same culture and shares the same family values. The parents make sure the family of the child’s spouse is a good family because the family tells a lot about how the children act. She said that the family doesn’t necessarily have to be rich or have a lot of land, but they should have good morals. They want to make sure the marriage will last long. She said that women must stay virgins until they find a husband. If your husband finds out you’re not a virgin, he has the right to leave you. Women must stay pure for as long as they find a man to marry because no man wants to be with someone who was already “used”, she said. What she said next somewhat frightened me. She said if a woman ever cheated on her husband, he had the right to kill her, or he could take her to her father’s house and her father would kill her for she had shamed the whole family. I was a little uneasy about many of the things she was telling me because she told me as if it was nothing out of the ordinary and I tried to keep an anthropological mindset, but I couldn’t help but think about the horrors my grandmother must’ve faced in her marriage. She said her father picked her husband (my grandfather) and she agreed to marry him because she respected her father’s decisions. She had also said that her sister married her third cousin because her parents knew they could trust the family and they knew the man she was marrying was raised well. After spending a few hours with my grandma, I talked alone with my dad about what my grandma had told me. He said he knew I would be interested in what she had to say; that’s why he made me spend time with her.

            After all these experiences I feel that I have learned a lot about both cultures and I’m really glad these case studies were more successful than I had planned them to be.