From what I understand, family plays a major
role in Indian marriages, especially with the practice of arranged marriages. In
traditional Indian culture, marriages of choice (in which partners first fall
in love and then choose to marry) are frowned upon because they are believed to
interfere with family relationships and responsibilities; therefore, family
arranged marriages are best fit with cultural values (Benshoff & Madathil,
2008). India is a collectivist culture that promotes interdependence and family
cohesiveness. The influence that individuals’ families and Indian society have
on them make them aware of the practical and realistic expectations set upon
them, which allow them to accept their families’ partner choices (Benshoff
& Madathil, 2008). Arranged marriages are viewed as a tie between two
families, rather than just two individuals. It is considered to be a joyful
union of families that develop new relationships and promote the networking of
families and family benefits (Santhiveeran, 2005). There are three types of
arranged marriages among Indian society: 1. traditional, where the parents or
elders choose the partner, 2. modified traditional, where the individual has
the authority to make the final choice, and 3. cooperative traditional, where
either the individual or the parents make the choice depending on timing of
events (Benshoff & Madathil, 2008). Modern day Indian society is becoming
to practice the cooperative traditional family pattern more than the other two,
as Westernized marriages have had much influence. In either case, family input
in Indian marriages is highly regarded and even in individuals who choose to
have marriages of choice, family values are taken into consideration.
In
Mexican culture, families play a role in the approval of marriage and take into
consideration the partner’s family and values. In traditional Mexican
marriages, the father of the family has the most input in his children’s
marriages, specifically in approving his daughter’s husband. If the daughter
wants to marry a man whom the family does not approve of, it is viewed as
aggressive and shameful. As to marriage ceremony, Mexican families incorporate padrinos (godparents) in sacramental rites (Matovina, 1996). Padrinos provide financial support and gifts for the bride
and groom, as well as the families. They are also included in the liturgy which
forms a spiritual connection between the padrinos and the families of the couple (Matovina, 1996).
After researching these two cultures I did some fieldwork. During my spring break,
I attended my cousin’s wedding in Mexico and had first-hand experience of a
traditional Mexican wedding. I had a chance to interview different family
members on their opinions on family input in marriages. I also spent some time
with one of my best friends back home whose parents have an arranged marriage
and gathered opinions from his family.
My friend “S” is from India and
practices Indian traditions. I was able to talk to him about the way family
plays a role in marriages. While hanging out with “S” at his parents’ postal
business, I asked him about his parents’ marriage. He said, “My parents got an
arranged marriage. My grandparents arranged for them to get married when they
felt my mom was old enough to get married. In my opinion, I think they’re
marriage is healthier than American marriages. They argue sometimes, but, you
know, not all relationships are perfect. They’ll never get a divorce, though.
They’re very serious about that”. After asking “S” if he’ll also get an arranged
marriage, he said, “No. I really don’t want one. I mean, I know it’s in my
culture and all, but to me, it just doesn’t seem right to pick some random girl
for me to marry. They don’t know my taste in women and what if they pick
someone who doesn’t have a good sense of humor! You know me; I can’t stand when
people don’t know how to take a joke”.
My friend’s opinion was totally different from what his parents had to say
about arranged marriages. When asking his mom about their arranged marriage she
said, “I would not have wanted it any other way. My husband is perfect and I
know if I would’ve had to choose my own husband or dated other men first, I
probably wouldn’t have picked someone who was right for me or treat me right. I
love him, he’s my husband, and we have two kids that we love so much. I just
hope they find someone who will treat them right, too”. She patted “S” on the
head and said, “’S’ isn’t going to get an arranged marriage. He’s too much of
an American. He doesn’t understand”.
A little while later, a friend of the family, “A”, came into the post office to
drop off a couple of things to “S”’s father. I asked “S” if “A” was going to
get an arranged marriage and he said he was already married and that it was, in
fact, arranged. “A” seemed really friendly so I asked him what he thought about
arranged marriages. He chuckled and said, “They’re fine as long as your wife
respects you. My parents and my wife’s parents arranged for us to get married.
It’s not a big deal, it’s just something my family does”. He said that he and
his wife had never met until their wedding day and I laughed when he told me
that the first thought he had when he saw her was “Damn, I’m glad she’s
beautiful”. He said they didn’t love each other at first, but they fell in love
and have an amazing son together. He also said that now that he has his own son
and lives in the U.S., he’s going to let his son choose who he wants to marry
as long as he doesn’t get a divorce.
During the break, I was also able to spend some time in Mexico with my sister
and my father, as we were going to attend my cousin, “J”’s wedding. I had taken
a notebook and a pen with me, just in case I wanted to interview someone about
marriages. The ceremony was held in a rather large Catholic church in Mexicali
and the wedding festival was at my Uncle’s ranch, not too far from the church.
During the wedding, I saw them perform the tradition of the “lasso”, in which a padrino loops what looks like a giant rosary around the
couple. There were many people standing around the couple during the ceremony
and they all held different things for the wedding and my father told me that
they were each padrinos who helped pitch in to pay for the wedding.
When the ceremony was over, we went to my Uncle’s ranch which was beautifully
decorated with streamers, flowers and two giant tents that housed the Mariachi
band and the food. I stayed by my father’s side for most of the party because
my Spanish is not as good as it should be and my father was my translator. I
met two middle aged women at the festival and we talked about the bride and
groom and they asked about my life and I told them that I was going to college
in the United States. Since I had my notebook with me, I asked if I could ask a
few questions for a school project about the way family plays a role in
marriages. They were more than happy to give me some insight on their values.
One of the women, “M”, said (in Spanish, but my father helped me translate into
English), “Marriage is part of a strong family structure. We take it seriously,
not like Americans that marry four or five times”. The other woman, “T”, agreed
with “M” and said (translated to English), “When I was young I couldn’t bring
anyone home that my parents didn’t like. If I introduced my father to a man who
wasn’t respectful or that my father didn’t trust, he would not talk to me for
almost a month. I didn’t like that. I made sure to only talk to men that I knew
my parents would approve of. I’m lucky my father liked my husband because I
love him very much. I didn’t want to live without him”.
After talking with “T” and “M” for a few minutes more, my father wanted me to
spend some time with my grandma because I had only talked to her about twice in
my whole life. My grandma is in her late 80’s and I didn’t know what to talk to
her about since I didn’t know her too well. Luckily for me, she ended up being
my most helpful informant. I knew she was raised in Zacatecas, Mexico and I
know her parents were very strict as well. She was happy to help me with my
research and although most of her information came from what she had experienced
70 years ago, I was glad that she had foundational Mexican stories. She said
one needs to marry someone who is from the same culture and shares the same
family values. The parents make sure the family of the child’s spouse is a good
family because the family tells a lot about how the children act. She said that
the family doesn’t necessarily have to be rich or have a lot of land, but they
should have good morals. They want to make sure the marriage will last long.
She said that women must stay virgins until they find a husband. If your
husband finds out you’re not a virgin, he has the right to leave you. Women
must stay pure for as long as they find a man to marry because no man wants to
be with someone who was already “used”. What she said next somewhat frightened
me. She said if a woman ever cheated on her husband, he had the right to kill
her, or he could take her to her father’s house and her father would kill her
for she had shamed the whole family. Her father picked her husband (my
grandfather) and she agreed to marry him because she respected her father’s
decisions. She had also said that her sister married her third cousin because
her parents knew they could trust the family and they knew the man she was
marrying was raised well.
After doing my case studies and
doing my research, I feel that I have gained a lot of insight on what it's like
to have a marriage in both Indian and Mexican tradition. After reflecting on my
field work for Indian marriages, I realized that their idea of arranged
marriage is very logical and makes sense in the culture they are affiliated
with. Familial ties are very important to them and the respect they have for
their elders really ties in with the respect they have for their families'
partner choices. I also realized that as they come to live in the U.S., they
typically become more lenient towards their children’s choice of marriages.
Although this is not true for all Indians who come to the U.S., it seems that
it has become the pattern for many whose children grow up in the U.S.
Reflecting on Mexican marriages, I know that opinions on family input in
marriage vary in different households, families, religions, regions, and eras.
What my grandmother had told me about marriage, I know cannot speak for all
traditional Mexican marriages, but it does speak for the type of marriages that
were considered the norm in her Catholic family in Zacatecas, Mexico in the
1930s-1940s. This may not be the case now or in other regions in Mexico,
however; it worked well with what I am studying which is a traditional Mexican
marriage. Some people may read my findings and think that it is unrealistic for
a woman to be killed by her husband or her father if she cheated on her
husband; however, it is true for the culture that my grandmother was raised in
and, again, cannot speak for all Mexican cultures. These kinds of traditions and
beliefs make sense in the patriarchal society of Mexican culture. Men hold more
prestige and are regarded as “macho”, and although in an American society where
it may be considered cruel, the value of virginity and virtue works well in
Mexican society.
Looking at both cultures, and then comparing them to American culture, I have
realized that Indian and Mexican cultures put more emphasis on family and the
many ways family plays a role in marriages. I am not saying that American
cultures do not regard family or don’t have family input in marriages; however,
when it comes to choosing a spouse, Indian and Mexican cultures are more alike.
American culture may not put much emphasis on family opinions because the way our
society runs is based on individualistic values. As teenagers, we may have worked hard to break
away from our families and rebelled against their demands. Our society teaches
us to be like this because we learn to be individuals and set out for ourselves
in a capitalist system.
The research and fieldwork I did on these cultures makes me more aware of other
cultures’ values. I have learned to have an anthropological mindset and have
realized that the traditional American marriage I have grown to believe is
right is not the only type of marriage that is right. Perhaps including my
family’s opinion in my partner choice might not be such a bad idea since they
have been married for a long time and know that I deserve someone who is
respectable. Through everything I have learned, the two things I will always
remember is that I should value my family’s opinion more than I typically do
and that I should not negatively criticize other cultures’ views on marriage
because most likely it works well in their culture.
Works Cited
Benshoff, J. M., & Madathil, J.(2008). Importance of
Marital Characteristics and Marital Satisfaction:
A Comparison of Asian Indians in Arranged Marriages and Americans
in Marriages of Choice. The Family Journal, 16(3), 222.
Matovina, T. M. (1996). Marriage Celebrations in Mexican
American Communities. Liturgical Ministry, 522-26.
Santhiveeran, J. (2005). Exploring Arranged Marriages in My
Family: Negotiations of Culture, Family, Gender, and Love in the Adventures of Marriage. Reflections (10800220), 11(1), 26-34.
